A Look Into My Life

 What is history? Marcus Cicero, a Roman writer, speaker, philosopher, and politician, says, “History is the witness that testifies to the passing of time; it illuminates reality, vitalizes memory, provides guidance in daily life, and brings tidings of antiquity.” While Cicero describes history in this way, R.G. Collingwood, a British philosopher and historian says, “History is for human self-knowledge. Knowing yourself means knowing, first, what it is to be a person; secondly, knowing what it is to be the kind of person you are; and thirdly, knowing what it is to be the person you are and no one else is…” This is the same with our own history or past as human beings. Just as Cicero’s and Collingwood’s views of history aren’t necessarily the same, no two people have the exact same past; yet, they can still relate to one another. Personally, I agree with both men’s views on history. I believe that history, or self-history to be precise, is different with each human being, and I also believe that one’s own history is exactly what one makes it to be, showing who someone is, why he or she acts a certain way, where a person has come from, and where that person is headed in life. As for my history, I have five aspects that are the core of what makes me exactly who I am today: my birth, my love for people, teachers, teaching, and my faith.

 First, my birth: I was born three months before my due date, obviously resulting in a pre-mature baby, weighing two pounds, eight ounces, barely living, and my mom barely surviving as well. I believe this is the first thing that began to shape my life today. Hearing so many stories growing up about my birth, how I wasn’t supposed to survive, but did, I began to realize that I have a purpose. I may not have known what my purpose was at the time, but I do now. Also, because of the stories I heard growing up, I have come to appreciate the life I’ve been given with open eyes and an open heart, which leads me into the second thing I believe has shaped me into the person I am today.

Because of this “open heart” and unique outlook I have on life, I have become the person who loves people with every ounce of my being. There is a saying that “God’s greatest gift is love.”  I am one to believe this is true. One of the best things I have learned out of life is to love people, let them into my life, and let them become as close to my heart as they are willing to get. When I meet someone I really get along with, I am quick to become close to that person, and I deeply care about him or her. I have also learned that this can be a good or a bad thing. This can be a bad because I tend to let people get really close to me, and in an instant, they are gone, I have to realize that they never truly cared, and I get hurt. One would think that I would have learned my lesson by now, and I would stop letting people into my life so easily, but I believe that it’s all worth it because if I didn’t love people as much as I do, I never would have gotten close to five teachers in the way I have, leading into the third thing that changed my life forever.

 There are five teachers I have in my life, all from high school, who changed my life in huge, magnificent ways, which I will always be grateful for. Each of these teachers taught me things about themselves, through their history, which ultimately showed me things about myself I had never even known before. Each of these teachers have taught me many things about life, but I believe the greatest lessons I’ve received from each would be patience, love and care for others, guidance and understanding, how to have an upbeat, optimistic attitude, even in the worst of times, and how to be outgoing, not caring what others think of me. Each of these aspects of life gets me through each and every day, but I never would have understood why they are so important if it weren’t for these five teachers. I now know that I have five teachers, who are much more than that in my eyes, whom I can trust with every single aspect of my life, knowing they will stand up for me and defend me, no matter what this crazy, dysfunctional life throws my way. This is love.

The fourth item that shapes my life today is teaching. While I do love these teachers very much, it’s not their teaching that shapes my life; it’s my own. I aspire to be a high school English teacher in the near future, and saying that I love it would be an understatement; it’s my passion. I chose to be a high school English teacher for many reasons. The main reason is that I want to be the inspiration, role model, and encouragement for my students to come that my past teachers have been for me. I want students to know that learning can be exciting and intriguing if they put enough heart into it, and most importantly, I want them to know that they are intelligent, they do matter, and they can do anything they set their minds to.  I am choosing to teach high school because I have the utmost passion for older teens. This is the point in their lives, where, if they do not have a positive role model or source of guidance in their lives, they will begin to stray away from every single ethical sense of behavior and discernment that they’ve previously known. I could be the change they need. As for the English part of my dream, I love anything to do with the subject. I love to read, and writing is one of my favorite things to do in the entire world; it renews my thoughts, and it gives me space to freely express myself, even if I’m the only one to ever see what is written on the pages, and it allows me to say even more than what is visibly written or what I could ever openly express through speech. One day, I will share this passion with my students, but until then, I will keep writing for myself because it’s what I love to do.

            Last, but not least, the number one, biggest thing which has turned my whole life around is my faith in God, who is my savior, my father, my strength, my hope, my everything. My Christianity and faith in God are what gets me through each and every single day. He gives me the hope I need when I feel like I’m about to fall through the cracks, and He reassures me that I’m unique, priceless, and made in His image every time I doubt myself. I became a Christian in seventh grade, and I have to say, ever since that moment, when I received Christ in my heart, with open arms, I’ve been a whole different person. My actions speak volumes about who I am and whom I live for. All I can hope is in Him, and I can only dream that others can see Him and His light through me. It gives me peace knowing that whenever I fall, I have someone right there to pick me up, guiding me right back to where I belong, and that He won’t love me any less. In Him, my history will live on forever, and in Him, my history is more meaningful than words could ever express. My history will guide me through and through, and it will continue living, even after my last breath. What’s your history?

Mysteries of the Future

    Wow! I cannot believe that I have not posted anything since March. Well, that just goes to show how badly my toll of "senior-itis" affected me!!! Anyway, since the last time I posted, many things have happened in my life. To start things off, I finished my Graduation/Senior Project, which took a lot of time, but I actually believe it was well-worth it, and I made a final score of a "100". Also, I feel the need to mention that I graduated high school, class of 2011, and to my own astonishment, I didn't cry. I guess I've done enough bragging for now, but I am actually quite proud of myself. Speaking of graduation, yes, it was very hard on me at first, and I'm not sure it's gotten much better, but even though I want things to go back to the way they were, I am also excited for what is to come in my life. Knowing that I'm growing up, trying to go out on my own, and embarking on four of the most amazing years of my life, not only scares me, makes me want to cry at times, and makes me want to be a little kid again, but it also excites me, encourages me, and gives me a hint of hope each time I think that I'm one step closer to becoming a teacher. Now, someone please explain to me how one thing can attack me with so many opposing emotions all in one single moment; it makes no sense to me, whatsoever!
    Since I've graduated, and I'm starting college soon, I've been thinking about my future A LOT lately. It seems to me that teaching is the one thing in which I cannot wait for, constantly think about, and rely on to motivate me for everything to come. I know that it won't be some sort of fairytale or fantasy life; teaching will be hard work, and I'm going to be tested at times, but through it all, I know in my heart that it's not about me. It's about the young minds of the wonderful students, whose brains I will be filling with knowledge, passion for education, and a desire to learn. Sometimes, I sit back, thinking about my future students, classroom, etc., and I think about how I not only want to teach them English, but I also want to teach them about life as well. This past year, I had an all-around wonderful, lively, intelligent, and understanding teacher. There are so many things about her teaching style in which I would love to acquire one day, but I will never forget how, so many times, she would be teaching us the things we needed to know for her class, but without some of us even knowing it, she would also be teaching us about life. She showed me that just by being myself, opening up to others, and shining the light of God inside of me, I was being an inspiration, role model, and leader in a classroom full of younger students. During my time in this teacher's classroom, she also showed me that, in some ways, I have the power to change the course or direction of someone's life. I want to be this kind of teacher one day. I want my servant's heart, my love of encouragement through writing, and my love for teaching to be the light in my students' lives, so that I will not only be teaching them the things they will need to know for my class, but somehow, without them even realizing it, I want to be a spark in their lives, teaching them understanding about life, how much potential each and every one of them have, and through it all, I want that spark to ignite inside each of them, creating a massive flame, which no one can willfully or forcefully stop or alter.
    I know that I probably sound insane or crazy. I mean, I'm not even in college yet, and I have years ahead of me before I become a teacher, but I can't control it. I love how even on the most difficult of days, the days in which I am more afraid of my future than anything, the thought of becoming an English teacher, renews my self-confidence, giving me the strength and courage to keep on persuing my dreams and aspirations. One of my all-time favorite quotes is by a woman named Patricia Neal. She says, "A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though, awakens your own expectations". I believe that because of the teachers I've had, who have lived out this quote, I became the person I am today. God puts so many people in our lives, and we either have the chance to ignore them or embrace them with open arms. For me, no matter what anyone says or believes, a few of my teachers were the biggests parts of my life all through high school, they gave me hope, believed in me, and like the teacher I was talking about earlier, they taught me things about myself in which I had never even known before. If it weren't for these few teachers reaching out to me, awakening my own expectations, and helping to "feed" my passion for teaching, I may not have become the same person I am right now, and it is my goal in life to obtain certain traits from each and every one of these teachers, but to also tell my future students about them and how they changed my life, hoping that I can do the same in theirs.

"Love While You Can"

"The most beautiful discovery that true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."- Elisabeth Foley

Almost two weeks ago from today, my best friend, Autumn Malpass was in a very dangerous, life-threatening car incident. Autumn and I have been best friends since the fifth grade, she knows more about me than any of my other friends combined, and I love her to death. One thing I haven't mentioned is that Autumn moved away when we were in the eighth grade; she now lives near Columbia, South Carolina. Now, honestly, I'm not sure how many friends you're going to find who have basically been apart from each other for almost five years but still talk to each other on the phone almost ever night, have so many inside jokes that you can't even remember why you have some of them anymore, can make fun of each other time and time again, but it's okay because that's how your relationship works, and can call each other in the "wee hours of the night" with a problem, knowing that the other one is going to answer just to make sure everything is alright and talk to you as long as you're not. Well, this is the relationship that Autumn and I have. I'm not sure what binds us together, but it is so strong. When Autumn and I first met, we couldn't stand each other, which is how most of my friendships have started out, but needless to say, that didn't last very long. We can scream at each other, hit each other, even walk away from each other, but no matter what, we always end up turning back around, knowing that underneath it all, we will always act this way because that's what sisters do, and regardless of how many times we let each other down, we are always there to pick things back up and stand side-by-side through all of the good and the bad that life has to offer.

I bet you're wondering why I'm telling you this story. Well, yes, I do love to talk about my friendships; they are very important to me, but that's not all. Autumn could have very well lost her life in her car incident; she came out unconscious, and even though she has regained consciousness now, I spent the days that she was unconscious worrying to death, praying with every ounce of my being that I had, and crying myself to sleep, knowing that I couldn't be there, but not knowing whether or not I was ever going to hear the sound of my sister's voice again. All I can say is that there IS a God, and He can do so many miraculous things in your life, and Autumn is proof. She has been though so many things in her life from cancer at the age of five to this car incident, and each time, God has spared her life, healing her faster than anyone could have ever thought possible, and brought her back stronger than she was to begin with; He has something huge in store for her, and He is going to use her in mighty ways. I know that He's already used her to change my life. Now, I'm just hoping that her story can help change yours.

You NEVER know how much time you have remaining with the people you care about most. I am the most lucky girl in the entire world to still have my sister, but I also know that life is short, and it can't be wasted. Each and every moment that I spent, not knowing how Autumn was, not being able to speak to her, see her, or tell her that I love her and will never stop believing in her, my whole world was tearing apart. Honestly, I didn't want to think about anything else, and all I wanted was to tell her how much she means to me. Luckily for me, I got the chance to go see her. Of course, she already knows how much I love her and care about her, but it makes the most amazing difference to actually be able to say the words. You can't just assume that someone knows how you feel about them and how much you love them, you have to show them and make sure that they know; actions speak volumes. Make the time that you have left with the one's you love worthwhile, let them know what they mean to you, and never let them go.

"Teacher's Passion"

The heart—beating faster

Passion is all it takes

There is no such thing as disaster

Even as the heart aches

Passion is all it takes

You seek, you find, you embrace

Even as the heart aches

It’s as precious as a golden vase

You seek, you find, you embrace

There’s an overwhelming joy inside

It’s as precious as a golden vase

Like comets in the sky, love and honor collide

There’s an overwhelming joy inside

You make it possible for each individual to shine

Like comets in the sky, love and honor collide

An opportunity you mustn’t decline

You make it possible for each individual to shine

You’re the role model, the inspiration, the encouragement within

An opportunity you mustn’t decline

You can feel it just beneath the skin

You’re the role model, the inspiration, the encouragement within

The lessons you teach become your reason to strive

You can feel it just beneath the skin

The students you can’t deprive

The lessons you teach become your reason to strive

Each day brings forth a renewal

The students you can’t deprive

Each mind and heart is yours to fuel

Each day brings forth a renewal

There is no such thing as disaster

Each mind and heart is yours to fuel

The heart—beating faster

"Pieces of the world"

Wow! It feels so great to be able to blog. I haven't had much time lately since our new semester at school has begun, but it is such a relief.

Well, since I'm already on the subject of a new school semester, I should probably mention that it involves much more stressful classes than my last semester did, but it's okay. My Teaching class hasn't changed, but we got a new teacher, and I have no clue whether or not she knows what she is doing, but hopefully things will get better. Next, I have AP English, and it is probably the most interesting English class that I have taken in my entire life. The teacher is wonderful, and I am finally in a class with people who are on the same maturity level as I am. The last class I have this semester that has changed is Advanced Functions, and if you know me at all, you just happen to know that math is NOT my friend. Yes, I can do math, but as long as I'm having to do it, I can not promise to be a happy camper!!

On a better note, this past weekend, my church had "180 weekend". If you don't know what 180 weekend is, there is no better way to explain it than by saying that it is the best weekend of your life. There was powerful worship, miraculous lessons/sermons, and my host home just happened to be wonderful. There were only five girls in my host home, including me and our leader from North Greenville University. Other than our leader, I knew everyone in the group, but the best thing about 180 is that you really get to know people that you know absolutely nothing about, and you get to know even more about the ones you have known for a long time. I left with stronger friendships, new friendships, a better relationship with Christ, and a weekend full of memories that I will never forget. When we returned to our church the following Sunday, one of our youth leaders asked me if I would be willing to get up on stage, in front of the entire church and speak about the weekend. I honestly had no clue about what I should say, but I knew that it would be a wonderful experience that I would never forget. I decided that I wanted to tell everyone a story that we were told by our speaker for the weekend that absolutely blew me away. The story was about a little boy and his father. This little boy's father was at work, but the boy was so anxious and excited for his daddy to get home so he could play with him. The little boy would run up to his mommy every half hour or so, asking "When's daddy coming home, when's daddy gonna be here". Each time, the mother would answer, "5 O'clock", but the little boy didn't exactly understand time yet, so he would keep coming back to ask again. Finally, the little boy's daddy got home from work, and the little boy ran to the door to hug his father. The little boy was still so very excited; he asked his daddy to play with him, but his daddy was so tired and worn out from work, he asked for five minutes to sit and read the paper. Five minutes went by a lot more quickly than the father was expecting, so when the little boy ran back asking to play again, his daddy asked for just five more minutes. The little boy waited anxiously for about four and a half more minutes, and then ran back to his daddy. His father still couldn't believe that five minutes could pass so quickly, so as he was reading the paper, he saw a picture of the world, tore the picture into about five or six pieces, and handed them to his son. The father told the son, "Now, when you can come back to me with this picture put back together, we will play". The father, knowing that his son didn't know where to put places like Africa and Europe on a map, thought that it would surely take his son quite a while to figure the puzzle out. You can see how the father was so confused when the son came back just a few minutes later with the puzzle correctly taped together. When the father asked the son how he completed it so quickly, his son replied, "well, you see, there was a picture of a man on the back, so I realized that once I could get the man together, the pieces of the world would just fall into place".

Wow! Such inspirational words from such a young boy. I believe that so many times, we, as humans, try so hard to put the pieces of the world together, fixing everyone else before we even take the time to fix ourselves. There was one song that we listened to quite a few times during 180; it is called "Open Hands" by Matt Papa. The words of this song were so life-changing, and they made me think about the story with the little boy and his father. A few of the lyrics are, "I lift my hands, open wide. Let the whole world see, how You love, how You died, how You set me free. Free at last, I surrender all I am, with open hands. With open hands." Now, I know that in my own life, that's exactly what I want. I want to be able to put myself together, lift my hands, open wide, and let God shine through me, knowing that the pieces of the world will just start to fall into place. Because of this weekend, I know that I can no longer be complacent. I can no longer just live my life day-to-day, and I have to spend my life trying to put the "man" together, so that the world's pieces will eventually fall back into place.

"God's greatest gift"

Someone once said, "Too often, we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the power to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!"

I know that most people have heard the expression, "God's greatest gift is love", and I am one to believe that this is true. One of the best things that I have learned out of life is to love people, let them into my life, and let them become as close to my heart as they are willing to get. No, I honestly don't like every single person that I meet, usually because our personalities clash, but that doesn't mean that they don't have good qualities. When I do meet someone that I get along with, I am quick to become close to that person, and I deeply care about them. I have also learned that this can be a good thing, or it can be a bad thing. This can be a bad thing because I tend to let people get really close to me, and then in an instant, they are gone, I have to realize that they never truly cared, and I get hurt. If they are willing to walk out of your life, not giving a care in the world, they probably weren't meant to be a part of your life in the first place. The good thing is, I'm strong, and I know that in order to stand back up and keep walking foward, you have to fall down sometimes, scraping your knees a few times along the way.

Another thing that I have learned about love is that not everyone loves in the same way. Someone once said, "...just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have." I show my love towards people through hugs, and I am not a distant person. When I hug someone, I sometimes feel that they don't care if all I get is a pat on the back, but I know that not everyone has a close, affectionate personality like I do. The thing that you have to remember is that you can't let this be an interference between you and another person.

Yesterday, Mandy, our Sunday school teacher asked us to raise our hand if we are a good listener. She then went on to explain that not everyone is a good listener, and it is easy for us to believe that they don't care. I raised my hand to say that I am a good listener, but honestly, I can't even begin to recount the times in my life when I have ignored someone or only heard half of what they had to say because I was too busy thinking about myself or what I am going to say back to them. I believe that one thing I am pretty good at is giving advice or "words of wisdom", so when people are talking to me, I am sometimes more focused on what I will say in return. Do I always hear all that they have to say? Do they know that I even care about what they are saying? These are things that continuously ran through my mind as Mandy was speaking. I think about all the times that I have gotten frustrated with someone because they seemed to be in their "own little world" or began speaking while I was talking to them, but were they really just trying to think of a response to my words like I tend to do? One of my best friends is a really great listener, but I don't realize it at times because she doesn't look at you when you're speaking, and you honestly can't even tell if she knows you're there, but in the end, she can repeat every single word you said and even reassure you that she cares and knows how you feel. If I wasn't willing to give her a chance and find out that she truly is a good listener, I could have lost a great friendship.

The last important thing that I have learned about love is that it can come from more than one type of person. I have love from God, my family, and my friends, but neither love is the same. The love that I receive from God is eternal, and it can never be altered. The love from my family and friends is a little more alike, but my families' is a little stronger and personal because we have been through everything together. My parents will stand up for me no matter what life throws my way, and I will love them through every single battle we face. I love my friends very deeply, but I know that not all of my friends can be the same and love me in the same way. I have some friends who are younger and some who are older, some who like the same things I do and some who don't, and I also have some friends who are closer to me than the others, but I love them all. Just because some of my friends are closer doesn't mean that they are of any more importance than the others; it just means that I need to try harder to become equally close to them.

With all of this said, other people mean everything to me. Family, friends, teachers...they have all been put into my life for a purpose, even if that purpose means that they will be leaving my life, causing me to fall so that I will have to get back up again and become a stronger person. It's the same for you as well. All you have to do is pay attention to detail and find out exactly why God places each person that you encounter into your life; it may be very simple, but it could also be life-changing!

"Time flies"

Last night, our church youth group had a New Year's celebration. I can honestly say that I had a wonderful time; it was the most fun I have had in a while. My favorite part of the entire night was when our pastor taught us a lesson on making a brand "new year" for ourselves, New Year's resolutions, and figuring out what exactly we are going to spend our time on. All throughout his lesson, I couldn't stop reminiscing over the past four years of my life-high school. Knowing that I'm graduating this year, the sudden realization that it's 2011 hit me a lot deeper than I was expecting.

While Roger, our pastor, was speaking, he mentioned that one of the things that he couldn't stress enough was that we shouldn't wish our lives and time away because even though we think it's not that big of a deal now, the time will go by more quickly than we realize. This was the part of the lesson where I just wanted to shout, "AMEN"!!! My biggest pet peeve is when someone says that they cannot stand high school, they are so ready for it to be over with, and that college can't come soon enough. They think that they are living some nightmare, when the truth of the matter is that they are living one of the best experiences that life has to offer; they are running away from something that they haven't even been willing to give a chance.

 I have been in that position before. The point in your life when you're just ready for everything about being a teenager to end. When I was in the 9th and 10th grades, I was more than ready for the day to be over with before it even began. Finally, in the 11th grade, I started to find myself, realizing who I was meant to be, and what my purpose was. Some people may say that I'm crazy; crazy for loving school in general, crazy for seeing the act of learning and having an education as one of the greatest blessings of life, and crazy for thinking of teachers as real human beings, but the truth of the matter is that these people could see the exact same things that I see if only they would open their eyes.

You may think that the reason I started to truly see things in a different light in the 11th grade was because that is the year I finally commited to the idea that I wanted to be a teacher. Yes, it has a little to do with it, but the real reason is because I was finally able to open my eyes and wake up to what I was so blind to see all along. I found myself that year because I realized that my best friends could be even closer than they were to begin with, I could make new friends that I had never even considered speaking to before, I could trust 3 teachers with every single aspect of my life, knowing that they will stand up for me and defend me no matter what life throws my way, and I found that my life was passing by my eyes too quickly. A combination of all these things led me to be the person that I am today, and I am so grateful. I don't care who agrees with me and who doesn't. I only wish that more people could take a step into my shoes and see what I see everyday.

I say all of this to sum up the fact that for the first time in my life, last night, I had the greatest satisfaction when I considered everything I have done these past four years of my life, where I've been, and what I've done to get there, and I realized that I have completed one more goal in my life. I now know that I am exactly who I have been waiting my whole life to be, and I wouldn't go back and change a single second of my life because I wouldn't be the same person, sitting here right now, proclaiming that I have become the person that Christ truly intended for me to become.

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself, but the self is not something that one finds, it's something one creates". --Thomas Szasz

If you want to get anywhere in life and be truly happy at the same time, you have to take initiative and make a new beginning for yourself, start over, and CREATE the person you desire to be. The people that God have placed in your life are there for a reason, and they can help you along the way.